Understanding Addiction
The family’s best defense against the emotional impact of alcohol and drug abuse is gaining knowledge and achieving the emotional maturity and courage needed to put it effect.

Individuals who may be capable of assisting drug and/or alcohol abusers outside the family may become confused, destructive persons if a member of their own family becomes an active abuser. This is especially true if the abuser is a son or daughter.

The “next of kin” or person most responsible for the abuser may need more assistance and counseling than the abuser if an effective recovery program is to be launched. Addiction is an illness, but one which has tremendous emotional impact upon the immediate family. Those most affected by the abuser are the parents, sister, and brother. The more distorted the emotions of these persons become, the less adequate their help will be. The interaction may and often does become destructive rather than helpful.

For example, parents may find themselves blamed for everything that is wrong in an abusers family. This may reach the point where they may fear this is true. Yet addiction is an illness. The parents are no more responsible for alcohol/drug addiction than they would be for the existence of diabetes or tuberculosis in their children. No parent ever made his son or daughter an addict, therefore, no parent can be held responsible for his or her recovery. However, by lack of knowledge they may allow the illness to go unnoticed. By lack of adequate understanding and courage they may acquiesce in the development of the disease. For the existence of alcohol/drug abuse, the parents are not responsible, but they can abet the child avoiding treatment; or take steps which may lead to earlier recovery, though this cannot be absolutely assured.

This same principle holds true for all members of the family, especially the one person upon whom the abuser ultimately depends. This primary person in the abusers life cannot“treat” the illness. No doctor should treat his own serious illness, and few will ever act as physician for a member of their immediate family, especially spouse, parent or child. As drug abuse progresses, relatives become involved emotionally. The best help they can give initially is to seek help and treatment for their own situation, so that they will not play into the progressive illness pattern of the abuser and thereby contribute to the progress of the illness rather than recovery. The mistakes made by well-meaning family members are almost unbelievable, and often make recovery more difficult for the patient.

In the beginning it must be understood that a family may do everything known or thought to be right and the illness might go unchecked. However, if a family is willing to learn the facts about alcohol/drug abuse and put them into effect, the chances of recovery are greatly increased. In fact the best way to help any abuser recover is to remove ignorance, acquire an adequate attitude based on knowledge and have the courage to practice these principles when dealing with the abuser. To begin in the usual manner of attempting to force the abuser to stop depending on drugs, without first learning and changing one’s own self, will simply make the matter worse.

Initially we must understand that the problems of drug/alcohol abuse do not lie in the drug/alcohol, but in persons. However, recovery does not begin until the abuser is able to break away completely from the drugs and practice continued abstinence. Recovery is also similar to the construction of a Gothic arch.  There are unseen foundations; many persons may lay various stones in the arch; but the keystone must be put in place by the abuser or the structure fails. No one can do for the abuser what must be done by the addict himself. You cannot take the patient’s medicine and expect the patient to benefit. Choices must be made and action taken by the abuser of his own volition, if recovery is to occur on any permanent basis.

It is appalling how well the abuser controls the family, especially the parents. The addict takes drugs again and again. The family screams, cries, yells, begs, pleads, prays, threatens, or practices the silent treatment. It also covers up, protects and shields the abuser from the consequences of the drugs. If the abuser continues to act like a little god, it is because the family is inadequate in opposing this attitude and abets the preservation of the illusion of omnipotence. In the preservation of this omnipotent neurosis the abuser has three primary weapons. The family must learn to defend against these three, or become virtual slaves to the illness thereby creating for themselves emotional or mental illness of no small proportion.

The Abuser’s Weapons
The first weapon is the ability to arouse anger or provoke loss of temper. If the family member or friend becomes angry and hostile, this person has been completely destroyed insofar as ability to help the abuser is concerned. Consciously or unconsciously, the abuser is projecting an image of self-hatred against the other person. If it is met by angry, hostile attacks it is thereby verified, and the abuser in his own mind justifies the former usage, and also now has an additional excuse to use drugs in the future. The gods first make angry those whom they wish to destroy, and the abuser has a long experience of acting like a little god. If your temper is lost, all chance of help at this time is thrown away, at least for the moment.

The second weapon of the abuser is the ability to arouse anxiety on the part of the family. Thereby, they are compelled to do for the abuser that which can be done only by the addict himself if the illness is to be arrested and recovery initiated. A “bad check” is a good llustration for this principle. The check may be written before, during or after the drug/alcohol abuse period. The addict does not have money in the bank to redeem the check. When the anxiety of the family members becomes too intense with regard to what will happen if the check is not redeemed, they secure money and cover the check. This relieves the anxiety of the family and the abuser, but it establishes a pattern for the addict in the area of problem solving. The abuser now learns that his family is not going to let him suffer the consequences; and he may expect this to be done whenever a bad check is written.

More important still, if the family redeems the check, the abuser cannot redeem it and therefore this failure is made permanent. The abuser cannot undo what others have already undone. This in reality increases the abuser’s sense of failure and guilt, and increases the family’s sense of hostility and condemnation of the abuser. Thereby the abuser is doubly injured. The criticism, scolding and moralizing add to the abuser’s guilt and resentment against self and family. The entire situation is thus made worse. The family did not write the “bad check”, but in “making it good” they gave a form of approval while they verbally condemned the same act.

Abusers are propelled along the progress of the disease when the family is unable to cope with anxiety aroused by the addict. This is in effect part of the illness. Neither the abuser nor his family is able to face reality. The writing of the bad check and the redemption of it by the family are but two sides of the same problem. The abuser can never learn to solve his own problems in a responsible way if the anxiety of the family compels the removal of the problem before the abuser can be brought to face it, and solve it or suffer the consequences. This “home training course” increases the addict’s irresponsibility, and thereby increases the hostility, resentment and tension between the “patient” and the family.

The third weapon of the abuser is the ability to arouse guilt. It is common to hear parents say, “We don’t know what we did wrong...” and go on to list all the things they thought had been done right.

Moreover, the abuser will often accuse the family of injustices. He may or may not have truth on his side. If he gets the family feeling guilty, he can probably manipulate them. Most of us, under the pain of guilt, will try to make amends and be “nice” to the offended party. Of course, “being nice” often takes the form of enabling the abuser to avoid the pain of facing the result of his actions. At times, a parent feeling guilt will actually provide the money for the abuser’s continuing abuse, enabling him to face tremendous danger while he is especially vulnerable.

Tough, love does not allow a child to play with a loaded pistol, no matter if the child accuses one of a lack of love. So it is with the family of an abuser.

Even though there is truth in his accusations (“You gave my brother an allowance when he was my age!”), love will not provide him the means to get high. Before you allow yourself to be manipulated by guilt, it would be wise to consult with an experienced POTADA* member, or a counselor. Such manipulation is destructive to you as a person, and to the abuser, and to the relationship between you. Parents are notoriously susceptible to the words, “If you rely loved me, you would...”

Guilt, anger and anxiety must be dealt with by the family or the family contributes to the progress of the illness. The family members must first learn to cope with their own problems before any beneficial effects can reach the addict. This requires help, just as any serious illness requires help outside the family from doctors, nurses, etc. The abuser can continue to deny that he has a drug problem and that he does need help, as long as the family provides an automatic escape from consequences of drugs.

Help for the abuser and for the family should be sought outside the circle of relatives, friends and neighbors.  Preferably it should come from persons trained in this area of work, or from experienced members of POTADA. Home remedies for drug abuse are notoriously injurious. The illness is so serious it will shorten human lives ten to twenty years, if it goes unchecked.

Love And Compassion
One of the more serious failures in approaching the abuser is the inability to understand the meaning of love. The parent has no more right to state, “if you loved me you would not use drugs” than he has the right to say, “if you loved me you would not have tuberculosis”. Excessive drug/alcohol use reveals the existence of the illness. Illness is a condition, not an act. It is not far from the truth that the abuser himself feels unloved and unwanted, and not without reason. Love cannot exist without the dimension of justice. Love must also have compassion, which means to bear with or to suffer with a person. Compassion does not mean to suffer because of the injustice of a person. Yet injustice is often suffered repeatedly by families of abusers.

Drugs are anesthetics. When the abuser gets high he anesthetizes his pain. This is the pleasure of an abuser. It is a problem-solving device to relieve unpleasantness, anxiety, tension and resentment. When a person uses drugs, pain is avoided for the time being but pain, tension, anxiety and resentment are increased severely in the family. When the abuser comes down there is little desire to suffer the consequences of addiction. Remorse and guilt now compel the abuser to prostrate himself before the family, beg for mercy, and promise that it will never happen again. Or the reverse side of the coin may appear: complete unwillingness to discuss what happened. Each attempts to gain the same goal, the avoidance of the consequences of drug/alcohol use. If the addict succeeds by either means his pain is again avoided or relieved, but the family again pays the price of the consequences of drug/alcohol use.

Love Is Destroyed
Love cannot continue to exist in this type of action and interaction. The addict uses drugs/alcohol to escape pain and learns how to use the family to escape the pain of the consequences. The family suffers when one of its members uses drugs, and then suffers the painful consequences also. If the family bears the brunt of the drug/alcohol use and absorbs its consequences, then compassion cannot exist. Compassion is bearing with or suffering with a person, not suffering because of the unwillingness of the other person to suffer.

Crisis Intervention
The parent (or other loved one) of an abuser can intervene—but only with adequate knowledge. The following is a synopsis of a lengthy article in Al-Anon literature.

Formerly, it was thought that it was necessary for a user to “hit bottom”, and become internally moved to seek help, as in the parable of the Prodigal Son. Since that person was not chemically influenced, he could “come to his senses” and rationally seek help.

Typically, a user is so blind to the cause/ effect relationship between drug/alcohol use and unhappiness (and tragedy), that he blames anything but his chemical.

Now it has been shown that a caring person can raise “the bottom”, or at least not allow it to be dug deeper. It is a loving thing to avoid babying the user. “Sympathy” is of no value; nor is a sentimental approach.

To intervene is to confront the person with the facts of his illness, and the effects caused by drug use. This calls for strength and courage. The POTADA group can share these good qualities with parents who feel powerless.

Confrontation with a user puts two messages before him. First, to show that chemical usage has built up a pattern of actions that interferes with the user’s ability to function, and also affects others in hurtful ways.

The second message is that there is help. Other abusers have been helped when they have taken action. The pressure of unwanted results, and some coercion, can be used legitimately to push for action. Specific resources should be offered-for example, a drug and alcohol center, a diagnostic and referral agency, or a recovering addict who is knowledgeable and helpful.

Most of us don’t have the knowledge and training to intervene successfully, so skilled persons are needed.

In addition, family members are disturbed and troubled. Therefore, instead of being effective confronters, they may need help to view the situation objectively.

Suggestions

• Learn all the facts and put them to work in your own life. Don’t start with the abuser.
• Attend POTADA meetings and, if possible, go to a drug or alcohol counseling agency, or to a competent counselor or minister who has had experience in the drug/ alcohol rehabilitation field.
• Remember you are emotionally involved. Changing your attitude and approach to the problem can speed up recovery.
• Encourage all beneficial activities of the addict and cooperate in making them possible.
• Learn that love cannot exist without compassion, discipline and justice, and to accept love or give it without these qualities is to destroy it eventually.

• Don’t lecture, moralize, scold, blame, threaten, argue when high or sober, lose your temper or cover up the consequences of drug abuse. You may feel better but the situation will be worse.
• Don’t lose your temper and thereby destroy yourself and any possibility of help.
• Don’t allow your anxiety to compel you to do what the abuser must do for himself.
• Don’t accept promises, for this is just a method of postponing pain. In the same way, don’t keep switching agreements; if an agreement is made, stick to it.
• Don’t allow the abuser to lie to you and accept it for the truth for in so doing you encourage this process. The truth is often painful, but get at it.
• Don’t let the abuser outsmart you for this teaches him to avoid responsibility and lose respect for you at the same time.
• Don’t let the abuser exploit you or take advantage of you for in so doing you become an accomplice in the evasion of responsibility.
• Don’t put off facing the reality that drug abuse is a progressive illness that gets increasingly worse as the use of drugs continues. Start now to learn, to understand and to plan for recovery. To do nothing is the worst choice you can make.
• Lastly, don’t try to follow this as a rule book. It is simply a “guide” to be used with intelligence and evaluation. If at all possible attend POTADA meetings and seek good professional help. You need this therapy as well as the addict.

An addiction problem in the home can often be more easily recognized by the parents’ behavior than by that of the abuser.  If you doubt this, check on this list the things you say and do.

• Make excuses for their child’s addiction behavior.
• Keep up appearances—see that he gets a haircut and is properly dressed.
• Be sure to wake him in time to go to school or work.
• Call and tell the school or employer he’s sick if he can’t make it.
• Cover up for him to the neighbors.
• Make every effort to get food into him.
• Stay at home to keep out of sight of other people.
• Go out as often as possible to get away from it all.
• Do the chores around the house that the abuser should do.
• Pay bills for him.
• Tell the abuser to leave the home.
• Then tell him he can come back home.
• Go out to look for him or telephone around to find him.
• Tell him not to yell at them.
• Then yell at him.
• Complain that he doesn’t love them anymore.
• Deny it when he makes the some complaint about them.
• Resent bitterly the money he spends on his drugs.
• Then give him money.
• Blame his drug abuse on his friends.
• Console him when he is feeling sorry for himself.
• Tell him not to feel so sorry for himself.
• Try to tie up his free time so he won’t have time for his addiction.
• Buy him all kinds of tools and sports equipment to get him interested in something else.
• Feel mortally offended when the novelty wears off and he goes back to his addiction.
• Worry over him.
• Cry over him.
• Scold him.
• Mother him.
• Beat him.
• Scream of him.
• Swear at him.
• Give him the silent treatment.
• Threaten to put him out of the house.
• Fail to carry out threat.
• Try to reason with him.
• Tell him to telephone if he is going to be late.
• Argue and scold him when he does call.
• Wait on him.
• Make him wait on himself.
• Call the police, go to court and charge him with assault and then withdraw the charge.
• Refuse to put up with another physical assault.
• Put up with another and another.
• Beg him not to drive when he’s high.
• Get him out of the jam he gets into for driving when he was high.
• Hate him.
• Try to get help for him.
• Pray he will quit drugs.
• Pray the drugs will kill him.

POTADA recognizes alcohol and all mind-altering drugs as chemicals.

Contents of this article are an adaptation of Joseph L. Kellerman’s “A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic,” by permission of the writer.